In order for this kind of time out to be effective we have to master two things:
- Timing
- Word choice
Don’t wait for somebody to really cross the line and break a rule or hurt a sibling before starting the time out. Once that happens, you’re sort of forced to implement a consequence and it turns into a punishment. Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% pro-discipline. If a child makes a mistake, they need a consequence. But our goal here is to step in before something goes really wrong to send everyone over the edge.
Once you sense that things are reaching a fever-pitch, go ahead and start a time out. It can be as simple as saying,
“Okay guys, everybody seems a little frustrated and crazy right now. Let’s all go to our rooms for a few minutes to settle down. Nobody is in trouble but mom needs a little break.”
Notice the word choice, too. I made it sound like the need for a break was to benefit ME (which, yeah, it is). But by taking a little ownership, kids are more likely to comply with this approach rather than blaming them for their less than ideal behavior.
I know we could get into a whole debate about kids taking ownership of their choices, etc. But the main goal here is to avoid everyone completely losing it, including mom. I am a hundred times less likely to remain level-headed and fair if I let behavior spiral out of control before addressing it. It may be totally appropriate to have a discussion about a child’s behavior during this frenetic time. But more than likely, you’re going to be happy with the outcome of this discussion if you take a breather first.
Logistics
So how long does this time out last? Can they play quietly during it, or is it strictly a no-play time? There are several factors to consider. Obviously each situation is unique and you need to follow your mama instincts. But in general, depending on the ages of your kids, I’d say the time out/break should be about 15-30 minutes. If nobody has egregiously broken any rules and all the kids are equally contributing to the wild, I generally tell my kids they can play or read quietly during this time. But sometimes one child may have gone a little too far with something so I may tell one child they can play and the other I tell they can’t. BUT I would tell them separately to avoid it causing even more problems.
So what if they share a room?
In that situation, I would give each child a specific place to go. One stays on the couch while the other goes to their room. Or one can go to the room while the other goes to mom and dad’s room. Figure out a way they can be separate (and not see each other if at all possible).
After
After the time out is up, more than likely everyone has settled a bit. Bring the family back together and get a sense for the energy. If they’re still keyed up, you might make the decision that everyone needs to go to bed early tonight (though you may not want to tell them that yet!). Perhaps you decide that you need to feed everyone dinner earlier. Maybe you are going to heat up a frozen pizza instead of being stuck in the kitchen following a more complicated recipe when everyone is hungry.
It’s also a good time to have a short talk about why everyone needed a break. Kids are not great at being in tune with their emotions and they may have no idea they were getting so crazy before the time out. Asking them questions and neutrally pointing out how everyone was acting can be a good way for them to practice reflecting.